January had a lot of “more of the same” as December, but also some differences. We’ve had temperatures colder than my tolerance, some with rain in 3, 5 & 10 day runs causing the dread interruptions that really mess with my equilibrium. I’ve been better at staving off the exercise endorphin highs and lows with the stationary bike. Some time back, my grandson built me a computer deck that attaches to the stationary bike, so I can write while moving. I’ve really gotten good use out of that. I spend a lot of time multitasking.
These monthly updates for the project are going to change a little. They were originally designed to give a progress report in prep for our Kickstarter goal, as keeping supporters up to date on progress is a requirement. The best way to establish that you’re willing to do that is to start, and be consistent, especially when you’re unknown to the market, like us. I’m still going to be consistent and it may well still lead into a video.
But, in recognition of a few things, this segment will become more about what I do to stay healthy as I age. One reason is that the video project is feeling more distant to me now than it ever has, at least in its current form. I’m not so sure I need to put my body through two century (100 mile) rides a week anymore. It might even be more interesting to more people if the video project became more accessible. If people can see themselves doing a thing, it might be easier for them to get behind it. In addition to that, we all have bodies, and we are all aging, no matter the current number is, it’s getting bigger. Some of my posts may be specific to women, but half of us are female, so that’s fine.
I’ve been following Gurdeep Pandher. Sometimes he shows up in my feed just when I need the very stress reduction that he wishes to share. When he does, I take the time to click and watch him dance, and I receive that gift. Sometimes it’s just simple dance. I think I get the easiest attitude adjustment from those bits, and that is really nice. But then, sometimes there is a lot going on, like in this cultural fusion video, and that’s it’s own little trip. I’m going to count following Gurdeep as the first way I share to stay healthier as I age.
Following Gurdeep has helped me in another way too. He recently released a video about positivity. It’s a hoot! I recommend you watch it. It’s less than 4 minutes long, but he says it took him a year and a half to put it together. After scrambling to put our video together, starting from scratch and jumping around hurdles along the way, I believe that. What’s more it helps me cope with some of my feelings of failure and helps me to keep going.
So, there’s our change up, and we’ll see where our new slant on the old direction takes us.
Until next time, have a glorious day and we’ll see you on the trail!
* I bought this plant from an estate sale. The pot was huge, not garden variety huge. I mean really HUGE. The man who sold it to me was afraid to let me carry it down the stairs from the back deck. I wasn’t completely sure I’d make it myself, but it had belonged to his wife and he wanted it to live. When I got home I wasn’t able to get it out of the car alone. I’ve since divided it into so many smaller pots and given them away to a lot of people. The plants divided from this pot are the only ones I’ve ever had that bloomed. I’ve figured out that at full bloom, they last less than 24 hours, so I snapped this picture last night when I saw it.
December is always the most challenging month for fitness. It has the shortest days, the coldest weather, and when when a warm front moves in, it usually brings rain with it. I get the initial flush of excitement as I scan the daily highs in the 10 day forecast, and then I check the precipitation, and the excitement falls away. There are no days in the current ten day forecast that meet my pre-project ride day parameters. And, to cheer the long cool nights, so many people are eating their favorite high calorie foods. Maintaining an even keel takes perseverance. I’ve failed a bit and so my weight suffered a bit, as well as the blood pressure. There appears to be a line, and I’ve crossed back to the wrong side of it. I’m working on getting on the right side. The calorie/macro counting is underway.
December also has the solstice. With that longest night/shortest day behind us, each day grows a little longer and the time when most weeks have plenty of ridable hours moves closer and closer.
The big hike is over for Russ, but we continued walks up Kennesaw Mountain on colder days for the cardio and cross training. The views are so nice from the mountain in the winter when the ozone counts are lower and visibility is amazing.
Russ had a hike buddy share some Dr. advice for knees, walking backwards uphill. Today I did it on a hill that was steep enough that I think it may help sub for some of the strength training that I’m missing since letting the Y membership go.
Russ will be getting healthcare coverage next year, yea! His is quite expensive, but mine is 4 times the cost of his, so I won’t. I do not understand why the cost difference is so big. He’s younger, but I have no pre-existing conditions that should effect my rate, and the quotes I got didn’t take health information. It’s a mystery. It should be based on straight actuarial numbers, and I don’t know any reason my risk of needing catastrophic or long-term care should be so different from his.
Regardless, we’re thankful for the improvement in his situation, and I’ll be looking into formal employment, and deciding more urgently whether or not I need to give up on the video project to gain healthcare coverage for myself. The rubs are that the riding helps me to get along without healthcare better. It will be a challenge to find employment that comes with healthcare coverage and still allows me to keep up family obligations, and it’s hard to choose to work a job that pays little more than the cost of healthcare coverage, especially when pursuing other options makes me less likely to need said coverage. Choices, choices. They make all the difference.
I already have one of the good kind, and it’s time for me to go there. Having purpose has never been a challenge for me, but narrowing my energy to a manageable number of purposes has, and having it pay for my life? I’m not as good at following a purpose that does that. It’s not a conscious choice, more a result of what it is that I find rewarding.
This will be my year to solve my healthcare and financial problems while maintaining purpose. I’m stating my first shinkansen goal now. I want to sell 8 million of the primary T-shirt that we are working on. The reason isn’t just personal or financial. Those goals are important, but I also want the message on our shirt to have it’s moment in the sun and make a difference to people and planet.
Here’s hoping you find your purpose and have a year filled with glorious days! Until net time, see you on the trails.
We’ve had some good rides in November, but today was my first enjoyable ride all month. We’ve had more good walks. In some ways it has been a lot like last month, only more days that were cooler than my current ride parameters, and as we near the Winter Solstice, days continue to shorten. Combined with “falling back” out of Daylight Savings Time, this is the most challenging time of the year to get a ride in. Mad props to the hardy souls in northern climes who ride in any weather or light level.
Russ is in Linville Gorge hiking as I write. That’s in the Pisgah National Forest, and hopefully he has prepped well enough for the ups and downs. Last time he had severe back pain for months afterward. It was this great experience with euphoric level endorphins followed by pain so intense and stiff that he missed a week of work and was not able to sit for a ridiculous amount of time. That was when he first put his desk on cement blocks so he could work standing.
The T-shirts are coming along. We had some personal stuff this month, my Mom’s 90th birthday in south Alabama, and Russ’s Dad visited for Thanksgiving. I needed to straighten up the house anyway :). But, when weekends are what you have, giving up two of them costs. As usual, our goals were more ambitious than our amount of available time allowed, only more so.
I found a way to be ok with it though. As I look at the tidal wave of advertisements trying to get that holiday cash, it became more ok. Do you get as many “Sadly we’re closing our store, but you can get our products for half price” ads as I do? They come from companies I’ve never heard of and show products that are actually somewhat interesting. The “half price” always seems to be a price one would charge at full retail. For many of them, I can go straight to Amazon and order the same exact brand for the same money, or less. I’m actually glad to separate our shirts from the season of selling hype. Just give me a minute and I can find the silver lining in anything.
This last week I experienced some old family conflict, frustration so old and tired it doesn’t break my heart anymore. I am so ready for success and change.
Hope you have a glorious day sometime soon, on the trail, or anywhere else.
Some reality set in at 3AM this morning, except that it’s fall back Sunday and we haven’t reset our clocks. I’ve been up for an hour now and the laptop is just rolling around to the 3AM that the clock was showing on the ceiling when I got out of bed. And BTW, if you don’t have a clock that shows time on the ceiling, I really like ours. Honestly, it is the easiest and lowest light way to display the time in a bedroom where two people can see it. We didn’t find one with good sound, but, we use our phones to play audio and alarms, and they’re no more expensive than other inexpensive bedside clocks.
What had me not sleeping this morning was doing the math on advertising. Increases in the bite that advertising and shipping took from my sales put me out of business in my Etsy store, so it should have hit me immediately. I built the Etsy business when those costs were a smaller percentage of sales price. My margins on an average sale no longer cover the cost of being seen. While I haven’t officially announced the death of the Etsy store, I’ve downloaded all my records from the beginning and there are only two products in the shop waiting to expire.
Things look Different When You Look at Them Separately
Like many, my investigation into T-shirts started at T-shirt cost, quality and availability. I want to use a quality product that is socially and environmentally sound. That is, the company that makes the shirts pays a living wage to workers, has good workplace conditions, uses lower impact processes, and cleans up after production.
My first impression was that I could have a modest mark up and still make a good profit. That is still what I want to do, but I’ve adjusted my reality on what a modest mark up is.
T-shirt printing companies that put their prices out there for all to search just quote the cost of the T-shirt. It’s all they can do. Shipping is complex, especially international shipping, and my advertising isn’t part of their picture. On top of that, if you sell more T-shirts, economies of scale comes into play and the production cost of each individual T-shirt becomes lower. For instance, if you sell 1 T-shirt, the set up cost is attributed to that 1 T-shirt. If you sell 10, the set up cost is divided by 10. At different numbers of shirts they even change printing processes because they become more economical. Some producers keep the price break. Some pass it on to us. My job is to take into account all of the costs.
You have to get the Product to the Customer. What’s That Gonna Cost?
It depends, and quickly searched answers on the web ranged from $4 to $49 domestic. There are ways to limit shipping costs, but they don’t go away, whether you show them to the customer of not. One way to reduce costs would be not shipping internationally. We want international availability, so we’ll have to deal with it another way. $4 Doesn’t include delivery confirmation, which is pretty important, so we won’t be assessing feasibility on that rate.
It will matter if Handling is part of the T-shirt cost, or part of the shipping cost, but it will be part of the business cost of the producer, so it will be part of my price to acquire the merchandise.
I have to pick something to allow for shipping cost, so for the purposes of my feasibility assessment, I’m going to allow $8. The current lowest Priority package rate is $9.35. Priority is the USPS level that gets you delivery confirmation and a 2-3 day delivery time. There will be commercial discounts, so I’m taking that down to $8, but I’m afraid to run numbers on a lower average cost at this time.
So, you Need the Advertising to be Seen. What’s that Gonna Cost?
In checking Google Ads, I came across their marketing stating that the average advertiser gets $4 return for every $1 spent on advertising, and it was presented as a bargain. Phrased another way, advertising with Google will cost 25% of an advertisers gross to get them seen. That’s an average, not a guarantee. Why do I say gross? Because Google has no idea what any advertisers net is, or if it’s even positive. It wouldn’t separate shipping cost either because so many sellers hide the cost of shipping in the sales price to prevent sticker shock. The cost and necessity of advertising is what kept me from going back to sleep this morning. The mark up on the T-shirt has to cover all of the costs, including advertising, shipping and unexpected expenses.
What that means is sobering. Here’s an example.
Let’s say I find a socially and environmentally responsible producer who will provide a printed shirt for $20. Now add $8 for shipping to the customer, we’re at $28. The cost of the shirt has to cover advertising, which is 25% (if you’re average). 25% of 28 is $7, so add $7. Now we’re at $35. At $35 cost to the buyer on a $20 shirt, there is no pay or profit for any of the work we put in making the shirt, no reimbursement for expenses like the tablet we got for Russ to create the designs. There could be additional unexpected expenses and response to advertising could be below average. Allowing less than $5 per shirt for us and the unexpected seems risky. So, at this sample price point, we have to double the cost of the shirt to be viable, but now that we’re up to a $40 gross, 25% of that number is $10. That $5 allowance for profit, expenses and the unexpected just became $2.
If a great shirt at lower price point were to be available, shipping would be a higher percentage of that cost, so we’d scale and run the numbers again. We’ll get plenty of detail and specifics when we narrow our options and talk to sales representatives. Hopefully we’ll find some shipping relief, but we still have to look at all the costs at different price points before setting our prices. I realize that a 100% mark up is a standard since the dawn of time, but for a low overhead internet based enterprise, I didn’t expect to need that.
So it’s late for the holiday market. Can this project be a go?
Do I really believe that if anything can go right it will go right and at the best possible time? Of course I do. Can this go right?
October has been a little rougher than some months in each category of our challenges. It’s been hard for both of us to meet our goals, but the glorious fall weather and colors have been the silver lining that blunts the stress a little.
My Covid Recovery
I’m pretty close to being in full swing again, as far as cycling goes. But, strength training with my arms is something I mostly do at Linear Park, and I haven’t done much of my cycling out there. I really need to get after the free weights at home. My shoulder pain is having a little flare and my fat to muscle ratio seems to have suffered a bit, but it looks like a full recovery from the Covid is in the near future.
Russ and I have both been hiking more at the cost of some rides. We have long intended for our recovery exercise to be walking, but actually shifting there is a recent thing. Russ lost someone who was a friend, hiking buddy and more recently a business associate. There will be a demanding multi-day memorial hike in early December. It will be mostly (or all) male and there will be a deep stream crossing, not something well advised for someone with Raynaud’s Syndrome to do in the winter. I’m hiking the build up with him for the cross-training benefit, but not attending the memorial hike. Long-term, the switch will be great for over all health and conditioning and make ramping up the cycling easier, both physically and mentally.
The 22nd we walked Kennesaw Mountain. The 23rd I had one of those rides that I had to force myself to take, and then force myself to finish. The 24th we walked the mountain again. The 25th I had my first really good strong ride since initially testing positive.
It was a comparatively mild case. I never sought help for anything but my eyes, and I don’t think I have long lingering effects, but it has been a month of sub par Karen and the cold and flu season is upon us. I’m trying to talk myself into the flu vaccine, but would like to have a few more good days before hitting the system with something else.
We’re moving into the weather when it’s harder to get a ride in. Not only are the days shorter, but, the warm part is after the middle. Until we are riding for the project, I’ll try not to ride much below 60 degrees outdoor temps due to the Raunaud’s. Waiting till it’s a warm enough, but still having enough time to get in a ride worth taking, and make it home in time to meet the school bus at 2:45 doesn’t always happen. The hiking side step is helping though. I can meet cardio needs because there is no wind chill and walking at lower temps is still comfortable.
We’ve been putting a lot of hours into the t-shirt project. We really want to make a smart choice for suppliers, by smart, that means garments made by a socially responsible (decent working conditions for workers) and environmentally conscious (reduce, reuse, recycle, clean up after production) company. The t-shirt project, like the video project, is all about having a positive impact on as many people as possible. And, everything’s connected. Everything. We want the t-shirts to provide an experience as well as clothing,
Until next time, Have a glorious day, and we’ll see you on the trail!
Did you know that motivation follows action? It stinks. It should be the other way around, right? High action individuals never need to notice because there’s always action producing endorphins and feeding inspiration. Like the desire to ride a bike. It springs naturally from the endorphins you got last time you rode (unless you didn’t). Endorphins from any action make you want to repeat and receive the love again, a circular pattern that feeds itself until something breaks.
You have to start the cycle though. I think of it like the pull cord on gas powered lawn mower. For strong people, starting is thoughtlessly easy. But, I can’t reliably pull fast and hard enough to make the motor turn over and get things going. Russ mows and now we’ve gone electric. But, before we got the electric mower, I was never going to be a reliable second, unless someone was home to help me start the mower. There are so many ways we are each other’s safety net.
Why it Matters
Difficult starts and interruptions kill momentum, break the inspiration/action feedback loop and lead to rough stretches. Missing targets leads one to avoid the pain of failure. And there are so many things that also need doing. Unlike my example, sometimes someone to help you start isn’t enough.
I’ve literally been trying not to write this post for years now, (Russ read and approved more than one version). It seems important to address the elephant in the room, though.
We’ve been planning the video cycling project since before the pandemic, writing about it here, postponing our deadlines, moving slowly toward promoting it and kicking ourselves over delays for stated and unstated reasons. Still, we haven’t submitted to the funding process. There are a few reasons that go beyond insecurity and fear of the test. There’s stress we’ve been up front about. Then there’s that stress we talk less about, absent some details for privacy (not just our own). Often it feels like the real problem is too many responsibilities.
A meme in my feed recently said “I hope you win the battle that you never tell anyone about.” I liked it for the kind wishes, but I liked it so much more for the acknowledgement that most people have more to deal with than what they let others see.
Russ, the Giant Teddy Bear
Russ is the glue that holds our family together. The problem is that Russ hasn’t been ok. He wants to be. He’s called it a “funk”, but if it was just a funk, we’d be funded and done with the project, and on to something else.
Russ has been down hard and fighting for air. It’s difficult for people who have never suffered depression to understand. I’m down pretty hard right now myself, and I don’t even understand, not as deeply as he feels it. It’s a very lonely place to be.
In the absence of healthcare coverage, we tend to research the most legitimate information available. After Russ discovered that “freeze” had been added to the “fight or flight” scenario he recognized it as his stress response. “Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn” is the current full list of threat responses.
It makes so much sense for these more recent threat responses to be recognized. “Freeze” isn’t always such a bad coping device. It’s is the opposite of rash. It prevents every mistake except inaction. Inaction creates its own problems though, and “freeze” may be the hardest stress response for outsiders to recognize as any kind of a response at all.
Depression and anxiety are more challenging with added stress and the world reached new levels of being turned upside. In middle school, I remember wondering what it was like to have brothers and cousins on opposite sides of a war (like the US Civil War, or when families were divided by the Berlin Wall). People everywhere are reflecting on that again. No one really knows how deep the current rifts and chasms, both near and far will get. Many people are too distracted, busy or stressed to let themselves think about it.
Thinking about these things makes a positive outlook harder, but ignoring them has different risks, and depression happens regardless of how one handles stresses. The kind of widespread pain experienced during the pandemic overloaded the collective psyche while Covid crushed hospitals worldwide.
Our private and inner worlds were challenged and stressed before the world became so “stranger than fiction”. It’s no wonder that we’d come up with a project to help others increase health and deal with stress when there’s little or no money to throw at the broken healthcare system in the US.
Our personal challenges haven’t been at bay during the 20+ years we’ve been together. For a while our outlook was promising. But, the recession hurt, other things happened, and we made some choices that were what we needed to be doing for family, but they involved one of us being under-employed for the last 10 years. That wasn’t helpful for our financial recovery, or financial security moving forward. No regrets. None. But, it did add to the stress load.
Deeply Personal and Different for Everyone
Some people didn’t think the pandemic was even real, and others were confused about what to think. Repeating a history so reminiscent of a pandemic 100 years ago made it even harder to grasp in a modern world. Russ was convinced he was likely to die. Between preexisting conditions, his lack of health care coverage, his essential worker status, his now longer hours, and his exposure through work and living conditions, his known risks were high.
There were so many unknowns, a lot of bad information, a lot of bad acts. Denial and irrational fears were amplified by ugly politics. Extraordinary stress is hell on the immune system. Boom, another risk factor! Russ didn’t die, but his fear was not irrational. It was a recognition that this thing few people knew how to deal with was a bigger risk to him, and that many people who were unconcerned had an uncomfortable level of impact on his risk factors.
It didn’t grip me like it did Russ, but I wouldn’t have said with confidence that I expected to live through it. Our household included exposed “essential employees” and school children, as well as people who were reluctant to follow recommended procedures. I was in a higher risk age group and also without health care coverage.
Some of it was Surreal
Most people had surreal experiences. The most important bit of security anyone gave us during that dark time was when my Aunt met me in Birmingham with a refurbished oxygen accumulator. Meeting her was an eerie trip. The streets were empty. I went to the interstate on an 8 mile, divided 4 lane. It’s normally slow and go, with heavy commuter traffic. But, I wondered for a while if I would see a single car along the stretch. I went through every traffic light,16, I think, and none of them turned red. Under different circumstanced you’d wish for something like that.
There were still very few people on the interstate. I wondered if gas would be available and how strange things might get, especially when I saw a military convoy headed who knows where. We met. My aunt gave me the machine, a package of disinfectant wipes, some laundry sanitizer, and a snack. She was taking care of me while she was taking care of me. Times like these are when people show you who they are.
There was gas. I got home. We were able to order hoses for the oxygen accumulator. Thankfully, no one needed it. But, the peace of mind it provided, knowing that if Russ, or any of the 8 family members who lived in our house before it was all over, went into respiratory distress, they could at least get oxygen as long as there was electricity. That was more priceless than any Visa commercial. Caring stands out when tragedy has become so ordinary for so many. Others not caring left it’s mark at times too.
Russ eventually caught Covid and later caught it again. Thankfully, it was after vaccines were obtained and treatments were developed. He made it through with care that cost hundreds of dollars that we had, instead of hundreds of thousands of dollars we didn’t have.
Mom had her dark experience just this summer while in rehab after a fall. There was an outbreak. Mom had been vaccinated and had good meds. Getting Covid after things were better made all of the difference for her. The quarantine was scary and some people didn’t make it, but Mom did. We recently celebrated her 90th birthday.
Four weeks back, I had my round with Covid. I was the last person in our house to catch it. I wondered if all the cycling gave me micro exposures that boosted my immunity, but never made me really sick. Or, if how often I wash my hands with housework was the reason. But really, who knows?
The pandemic was like life in that everyone is going through it, yet every person’s struggle was/is unique. So, I don’t know what to do, or write, or how to explain it when things aren’t on schedule with the project. Some people adapted, put things out quickly and leveraged all the change (for better or worse).
Some people have bounced back with double energy. Me? I still don’t know if continuing to pursue the project is what I should be doing. Can my dream really make a difference, or should I do something else. I know the project could help us, and others. I know he/we can do the job, but can he/we get the job? (flip on Joe Versus the Volcano intended).
One Step Forward
The risks were real, and some remain. The depression was and is real. We do a lot of DIY. It’s great that we can. Russ fixed a frozen pipe in the house before it became an insurance claim, but we’re not working on the project while he fixes our pop up problems, or someone else’s. It has all been big, real and debilitating, and I’ve had my own stuff to deal with too. Russ has been there for me in so many ways, but in others, I felt alone. He wasn’t present in the moment, or ready to move on. He spent a lot of time ruminating on fears he had no control over. He’s not mental health care averse, but there’s nothing in the budget to cover it.
It was so incredibly important to have income during the pandemic. It was important after too, but Russ lost his employment in January. Just as it seemed like things might settle a bit, boom, again! He went from “essential employee seeing a light at the end of the tunnel” to lost. Russ has made the most of his 6 jobless months in some ways, but in productivity, he froze. If he could retire to stay at home and cook and play with the grandchildren, he’d be in bliss, and he might be faring better if that were possible. Ironies abound. Not needing to pursue anything could loosen the stress and free up the mind space to… pursue anything.
And Then, Again
With all of this, we’ve come to and temporarily past the point of cancelling the project so many times. As much as we want to help anyone who’s interested in our project to get stress relief, escape, fitness and/or entertainment value from the project, there’s also a self-interested aspect. The project will have significant demands and stresses, but it will also do the things that we want to do for others for ourselves as well. It would lessen the impact of not having healthcare coverage (unless one of us has an accident riding).
We could benefit from a year of the heavy duty riding that is part of the project, letting all those demons work themselves out as we peddle. I hiked a lot when I was going through my divorce. I’d head for the woods, and after a day on the trail, whatever was weighing on me when I left had mostly lifted. It would be nice if Russ’s six months of unemployment had given him a head start on that, or progress in any form it might take, but that isn’t how it happened. Russ really does have a freeze response to threats. (And I have attention deficit, but, that’s another story).
I’m enough of an introvert that not being ok through the isolation was a real surprise to me. It piqued my interest in forming relationships and I desperately want to accomplishing things. The project is a two person job, and doing it without him wasn’t a step I was willing to take. I would ride and write to keep the project alive, but I still spend a lot of time feeling like I was alone or in hover mode. Recently, I started just doing things. It took a lot for me to just say I was going to do something and invite him along rather than asking what he wanted to do and make a joint decision. I didn’t expect him to, but Russ came with me. Most of the times I’ve really need him to, Russ has met me at least half way.
Things are getting better. Russ is working. It’s a financial band aid for our personal life and a mixed blessing for the project. I say band-aid because at this point, if both of us were working, that would just be a bigger band-aid. Americans spend twice as much on healthcare as other rich nations and still have a decreasing lifespan with poorer care. My healthcare.gov quote for next year was over 22K per year, even though I’m physically active, and some covered years I never went to a doctor… Seriously, in the last 10 of the years that I was covered, I don’t recall ever meeting a deductible. That’s rate is hard to accept.
Seeking employment that would move me toward having disposable income, or eventual retirement, rather than just paying for insurance for part of a catastrophic health failure requires that I get not just full time work, but demanding employment. Age and sex discrimination is real and my hodgepodge background doesn’t help. If I were lucky enough to get employment that would benefit the family rather than just cover personal health insurance, it would also require abandoning some other responsibilities I have been taking on, but how confident am I that I can get through another year without catastrophic coverage? If I had the coverage, would the cap be below the cost of whatever health failure I had? Riding a bike, even if it were a new high end bike, may well be the biggest healthcare bargain there is.
With all these questions and challenges, we’re taking a side step into t-shirts. We have a theme and hope the T-shirts will have at least as much positive impact as we want the video project to create, as well as some needed financial relief. After that we’ll re-visit the trail video project. Hopefully the t-shirt project will produce enough income to make up some of our losses and then, perhaps, to allow me more time to pursue the video project.
September has cooled off, but not like we expect. It’s been cool enough for really nice riding, but not so cool that I have a dry pony tail after the ride.
As many times as Covid has been through the house, It didn’t catch me until last week. And, I isolated well enough that I was the only one who caught it. I mostly had the mild case that is expected of those who have been vaccinated. I had 3-4 days of aches, sniffles and fever with an extreme flare up of my dry eye. I used every wash cloth in the house for moist heated compresses more than once and we have dozens of wash cloths. I’m still using them more frequently than I was before getting sick.
Once I finally Googled “Covid” and “Dry Eye” I saw that Dry Eye is a less common symptom of Covid, so the flare up of a condition I already had was quite understandable. Monday morning I was at peak misery and called my ophthalmologist. I really didn’t know how I was going to get through it. I was promised a call back that never happened. While I waited, just as I was literally ready to scream, the symptoms broke. That was really fortunate because the call back never happened. :(.
I listened to audio books those first days for distraction because actually reading them was out of the question, not just the eyes, but I wasn’t feeling like putting effort into paying attention to anything.
I’ve moved back into exercise gradually. One day I walked at a slow pace while Russ rode. Next, I walked up Kennesaw Mountain. I thought about that one a few times, and almost decided not to go to the top. Walking up the mountain can really get my heart pumping and be a bigger work out than a ride, but I did go to the top parking lot with 4 rest stops. Usually, I don’t take any. I’ll probably do a short ride tomorrow, but we’ll see. If it feel like I’m pushing it in a bad way, I’ll wait.
I went for a ride on the Silver Comet recently. I was enjoying the day, and the ride, when I came up behind a group of three cyclists in my lane. I slowed. They were two men followed by a woman. She was maybe 2 or 3 wheel lengths behind the two men who were riding abreast. There was also a dog-walker. He was coming toward me on the grass. He and his pet were completely clear of what I could have used as the passing lane. The dog walker was giving me the right of way, but that front cyclist near the center line was riding like someone who was not paying attention, not just because he had his primary attention on talking to the man beside him, but he also had the small wavering movements of someone who didn’t have much of his secondary attention on his riding either.
After the dog walker passed the group, I picked my pace back up and called “Coming up on your left”. The woman thanked me loudly and I called passing again, to make sure the guy I was giving all the space heard me too. As he saw me pass, he began to yell the sarcastic, profane, name calling accusation that I had not called the pass. He was still yelling when I lost the ability to hear him.
I never respond in kind to the abuse of a stranger. It’s not just that I don’t want to be that person. It’s also that you never really want to know how far a person who’s acting out in anger will go. At that moment though, I was really in touch with those feelings that make people yell back and escalate things. I really wanted to give the guy the finger as I left him behind.
I make mistakes, more and bigger mistakes than I’d like, on and off the trail, but I had given this guy the kid gloves treatment, and anger over his abuse was roiling through me. I tried to calm it down, leave him behind in my thoughts as quickly as I had left him behind on the trail. I wanted to change my thoughts, so he didn’t stay camped out in my brain.
At first, all I managed was to blunt my feelings. I reminded myself that my anger hurt only myself. Then remembered the empathy meditation. When doing this in a more formal way, you are supposed to choose a few people, starting with an easy person, and then after a few specific people, expand it to all beings everywhere. Picking only the difficult person on this occasion (clueless raging guy of course), I repeated in my mind “May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe from harm. May you live with ease.” Instantly it took about 80% of my remaining negative feelings out of my body. It’s amazing how that works, but I still had negative thought every now and then for some time. It’s equally amazing how a stranger can get to you, and it doesn’t matter how wrong or factually incorrect they are. Words have impact, especially when delivered with rage.
Stuff like this isn’t the norm on the trail. People mostly come here to get away from stress and find their center, but it happens. A week or two earlier a walker mocked me for calling my pass. She did it in that ugly grating voice that comes from some kind of pain unrelated to the current interaction. I was sorely tempted to stop and tell her that calling a pass was for safety, not bragging. But, again, you never know how a person on the edge will react and the chances of positive outcome were low.
The Silver Comet Trail is not a loop. It’s a linear 60+ miles and growing. After I turned to go back to the car, I wondered if I would see angry man again. Then, I met another group of cyclists, this time facing me, traveling in the opposite lane. As they passed by, they greeted me with such smiles and enthusiasm it made me wonder, at first, if they thought they knew me. It took me a minute to fully take in the antithesis of my earlier experience and appreciate it, especially since I had been anticipating seeing the angry rude guy on the flip side, and wondering how that would go.
After fully adjusting my mood to the happier tone, there he was. The woman in the group was taking a picture in the direction of a trailside mass of kudzu. She was probably trying to photograph some bird or other pollinator (oh look, a butterfly!) because she was standing back with body language that said she was afraid of spooking her subject. The angry guy was standing behind her, in the middle of the path, on the center line, legs straddling the top tube with one wheel in one lane and one wheel in the other.
Of course he was!
I called “Passing on your left.” It wasn’t true. I was passing behind his back, but saying so could have been perceived as provocative, rather than merely accurate. He jerked, looked like he was going to say something, then didn’t, at least not anything audible to me. He didn’t move out of the way either, at least not while it made my passing safer.
I said the Empathy Meditation again.
Here’s the thing. What you say and do matters to everyone who sees and hears it. I have bad days too, and who knows what this guy was trying to get over. If you ever see me out there having a bad day, I sincerely hope it’s not on this level, and deepest apologies in advance. It’s okay to remind me, just like you were my granddaughter tugging at my clothing and helping to remember that the empathy meditation, is pretty effective. I hadn’t added some of the more detailed components in that last link until after I listened to 10% Happier by Dan Harris. It’s not actually a particularly instructional book, but I enjoyed it and managed to pick up a few tips regardless.
I’ve decided, at least for now, to make Tuesday Trippin’ a monthly post. There are just so many other things I’d also like to share.
We’re training at least as hard as we ever have. We have more available time in July than any other month. Even with timing things to miss the heat of the day, we’re still getting a lot of miles and in pretty good shape. I’ve ridden hard enough to need a few days off. Luckily that happened exactly when we needed to be out of town to help family. I’ve had some slight knee pain. It went away during the first family visit, came back mildly and got better again after the second.
I got stung again in July. It seems like July is when I need to keep my sting med kit complete and on the bike. I’m going to make a second post on what I carry for that.
Our mileage is moving up where we feel better and better. We’ve also made some progress in getting things done, the really boring, job-like stuff that has to happen to make the t-shirt and video projects go. I find a I’m anticipating a great fall and winter. If we can stay on our current schedule, there are many ways I’ll be able to say that all the hurdles and resulting delays have been for the best. That’s a big “if”, I know.
Riding and training is not all we’re doing though. I want to write and share about the T-shirt project and some of my other interests too. Stay tuned!
Until next time, have a glorious day and we’ll see you on the trail!
Truly, one of the better reasons to still be hanging around in Meta space is to be reminded that 13 years ago, during our first unemployment tour, we stuck it out and trekked down to the sunshine state for a third time to finally see the spectacle of a night time Space Shuttle Launch. It was expected to be the last one, but I think one or two others got shifted to night launches before the program ended.
We made two previous attempts without seeing the launch, both were pretty special for other reasons. For one trip we joined a tour with A Day Away (check out those bioluminescent tours too) and thought we’d see the launch from the end of Haullover Canal, but that tour shifted into an alternatively awesome dawn manatee trip when the launch didn’t take place.
Making the third and last attempt was a hard decision. As much as we were ready for a road trip, we really didn’t want to spend the money, especially not for another fail. There was a recession and unemployment was high. We didn’t know how long our place among the unemployed would last. We had the time, but could we afford to spend the money? That was anybody’s guess.
We decided to go, but not to book another kayak tour. It was awesome paddling around in the dark with strangers anticipating the ultimate viewing experience, but it wasn’t a first trip or a high end venture we were considering this time. Some locals and their guests waited and watched on decks and balconies, but we were out in a city park with a tent and didn’t expect it to be nearly so cold as it was. Hot cocoa was to die for and that nearby CVS was extraordinarily nice about letting people cue all through the store to use the bathrooms. But then, the personalities who get excited enough to go watch a shuttle launch at 4 AM tend to also be the kind of people who know they’re supposed to flush, wash their hands and buy something while they’re there :).
The actual experience was not at all what I expected. I envisioned a brilliant comet or meteor like arc across a dark sky. We were 7 miles from the launch. I didn’t expect to feel the roar vibrate, or the heat wash over me. The flames lit the whole sky with a gray-yellow light that killed the night. I was partly awestruck, but also remembering a criticism I had herd after the Challenger crash, that there was no reason to use so much power to get the shuttle out of the atmosphere so fast. It was not what I expected, but not a disappointment either, not at all. We were so glad we took the risk and had the experience.
I was thinking about this even before I saw the FB post reminder in February, and now again as I’ve come across this unpublished post. Here we are looking at another decision, wanting to do something, wanting to fully commit to getting the project submitted and weighing the odds. Right now the unemployment rate is just over a third of what it was then. By that indicator alone, employment should be pretty easily replaceable. The odds look good that a quick job search is possible, but, open jobs and jobs people want, jobs that pay the bills without sacrificing health and maybe have some benefits, aren’t necessarily the same jobs. There’s a correction happening, and while the unemployment rate is low, Russ isn’t alone in being laid off. There have been some very large, very public layoffs. We’re also 13 years closer to retirement than we were last time, and still just as utterly unprepared now as we were then.
Two roads diverged… It looks like we’re going for it this time too, we keep on deciding not to give up the project, even though it seems like insanity to keep backing up and drawing another deadline in the sand. We’ve put more time and effort in to our prep than we ever expected the entire project to take. On good days I can say that the level of fitness I currently have makes it personally worth while, whether the project ever becomes something to help others or not.
On bad days, I know that financially, I’d be better off if I had spent the free time I have in minimum wage drudge work (if my psyche survived that). Russ does not feel or remember the sting of targets missed the way I do. Right now it feels like I’ve been repeatedly deciding to commit to something that isn’t moving forward. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I really wish I knew which end of that tunnel I should be running toward.
Eventually we’ll be looking back on now and weighing the results of our choices and performance. We always seem to take the path less traveled, perhaps this one too will make all the difference, perhaps it will also be the difference we’re hoping for.