This was the week that I have 4 full days free from childcare responsibilities. The weather was not just beautiful, it was gorgeous, and I spent all of that time tossing cookies and checking my temp (except for that night when Russ had to check it for me because I was shaking too hard to be able to push the display button just once). I had not experienced that before. It was scary. For 3 days, I didn’t feel good enough to pick something to run as background noise. I mostly slept.
The real defeat in that was not that I missed riding, I carried myself to the trail in my mind, even when I wasn’t awake (or even trying to distract myself). The frustration is that, once I felt good enough to function, and started to write, kind of like the Amy Adams Character in Julie and Julia, I’m here writing this stuff and wondering if it’s just a dairy. I don’t really have time for a diary right now. They’re supposed to be rewarding if you take the time, but now is not my time for that. And, I’m afraid to hook up the analytics and find out, just like I’m afraid to finish that video.
I don’t honestly know how much of not having submitted the application is my aversion to standing up in front of others with “a feeling I could be someone, be someone”, and how much of it is that life blew up with essential worker overtime instead of work from home, and dozens of other emergencies flowing out of control since the pandemic (since well before then really).
I do find it so much easier to put myself forward if people are looking at my work instead of me. I can fill out the application and wait, but that other part. You know, it’s not like in the movies. If you’re even still using paper for what you applied to do, you don’t have to open the envelope to know if you were accepted. Acceptance comes in a fat envelope full of next steps. Denial comes with just one sheet of condolences. Emails have subject titles. You open it to confirm, but you know. Instantly. I guess showing a hopeful character opening an envelope is a good way to communicate anxiety and suspense to the viewer though.
The Kickstarter will be different. I’ll be watching and responding daily as it makes, or … perhaps I shouldn’t speak that into existence. 🙂